Posts Tagged Not that into you

Right Full Rudder!!!!!

My family loves boat life. So years ago I enrolled in a Coast Guard boating course and I learned many beneficial maritime rules and etiquette. It was interesting in that, unlike roadways, there isn’t necessarily a governing body that makes universal, stedfast rules for waterways. Hence, many of the Coast Guard’s pointers are more like guidelines that seem like common sense to ensure safety.

One lesson that stood out in particular pertained to how ships should approach other ships. Since there are no real “lanes” on waterways, boats can approach each other from 360 degrees and it is often difficult to tell who has right of way, who should yield or if the two are on a collision course. The way we were instructed to overcome this was to stay your course… however, if you were going to make a change in direction, make it deliberately obvious so that your intentions would be clear to the other ship. Basically, if you appear to be heading towards the same point as another boat, rather than tinker a few degrees to port or starboard (that is left or right to the lay person), make a strong move to the right to show the other vessel that your intention is to pass him on his port side. It seems simple and obvious, but until you are at the helm and captaining a boat, the importance seems inconsequential.

Of course you know this blog isn’t about boating. However, I was talking to a female friend the other day about relationships (I know, I know imagine that!) and she said something to the effect of, “I’m just not sure if he’s interested or not.” I pondered for a moment… how could she not know if some dude was into her? How does any girl not know? I asked other female friends of mine and realized this problem is far too common among women — not knowing when a man is interested.

The core of this problem is that most assume men send mixed messages. In actuality—we don’t. We send very clear messages. VERY. CLEAR. MESSAGES. However, many get lost in translation. It is like women are watching and trying to decipher if he just moved a couple of degrees to starboard or port. They wonder, “What did he mean by that?” or “He did that!” as if there is some subtle nuanced clue that reveals his desire and affection.

We are men — and as I have said it a myriad of times already but will recap — we are simple creatures. Our behavior is unsubtle, we are bold and vociferous and don’t usually sugar-coat things.

Just like the ship trying to navigate a busy waterway, when a man is interested he will make his intentions known with major, deliberate and obvious moves. To translate: if the move isn’t big and plain-as-day, then the message is NOT INTERESTED. (Well, maybe not completely NOT INTERESTED… but not gung-ho, can’t-stop-thinking-about-you interested in pursuing a true relationship.) When a man IS INTERESTED in a woman—and I mean truly, fire-in-his-belly interested—picture Sean Connery screaming out “RIGHT FULL RUDDER….NOW!!!”

There is an assortment of Right Full Rudder moves. They can include not just asking for your number but asking you out on the spot when you first meet to do something the next day; Probing with future questions about how do you feel about kids or living elsewhere etc., etc.; And for course, taking you to introduce you to family or intimate night with their closest friends. These all might come up at different times but there is one move that sets the stage for it all.

What is the quintessential Right Full Rudder move?…Date Package 1A. Date Package 1A is meant to woo and impress, to charm and appeal to a woman’s every sense. How do you know if you are on Date Package 1A? Trust me, you will know. If you think you might be on Date Package 1A but aren’t sure, then sorry to break it to you… but you are not. Set aside the wishful thinking and be objective.

I have yet to meet a dude who has taken a girl out on a “balls out” Date Package 1A that he wasn’t interested in.

Meeting somewhere for a cup of coffee, joining him with some of his friends for happy hour at Cabo Cantina or attending an impromptu function somewhere aren’t 1A Date Packages. However, they aren’t a relationship death sentence. Consider it a pre-date to probe and determine if the prospect is worthy of a premium date.

What does it mean if you not on Date Package 1A? He might still be interested… but it is more than likely interest in something other than a serious relationship. It could be a little wham-bam nookie, some companionship, a new wing woman, or maybe likes the gallery of your female Facebook friends. Or it could be that he just isn’t quite sure yet what he wants or where you fit-in and is trying to figure it out. But if all of a sudden he asks you out, picks you up with his car washed, has rezzies for a nice, new restaurant, tickets to some show afterwards or some art exhibit that you casually mentioned a month ago… then you just got upgraded to Date Package 1A.

There is also the common possibility that DP1A or some pre-date took place only for him to determine there isn’t a match or chemistry or whatever. It’s not a personal thing…it just is what it is. We all have a picture of what we want (or at least should have one) and if it doesn’t fit, either party can and should walk away in the most considerate way possible. No need to waste each others time.

The biggest dilemma for a woman is what do you do if you find yourself repeatedly on something other than DP1A? First just accept that he is feeling you out and wanting to get to know you better before he becomes an epigamic Peacock ready to show-off his plumage and mate. It could be that he actually finds you to be super-cool and interesting but wants to keep you on the friendship tip. If you are into him but find yourself on some mid-alphabet date package then you have a few options:

  • You can accept the new friendship/companionship. Self explanatory…you now have a new buddy but don’t expect too much.
  • Make him show his hand. What do I mean? Easy, don’t be so available to him. Go on a date with someone else, don’t be at his beck and call and certainly don’t put the rest of your life on hold waiting for him to make a strong move. You make a strong move one way or another, role the dice and see what you get. Better to know now than to waste weeks/months trying to figure it out.
  • Walk away. If you feel like you are giving him all the assets of you without him taking on any of the liability or contribute to the owner-equity, then the relationship balance sheet isn’t working for you. It’s better to save your ship and live to fight another day.

Sure there could be instances where men are shy or nervous but that will also be obvious. I’m sure the cat who wrote the book He’s Just Not that Into You would agree with me. You want a man who is willing and eager to go “right full rudder” Date Package 1A.

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Logistical is the new High Maintenance.

I must confess that I have a habit of categorizing and trying to put people into certain stereotypes.  I’d like to think it is my way to better understand individuals and recognize patters and/or habits.  Men often find ways to group women who demonstrate similar negative traits.  One of those scarlet letter labels that will make most men cringe like a visit to the Urologist is when someone drops the term “high maintenance” when referring to a female.  If you are like me and live in LA, that tag gets more play than Scott Baio in the 80’s.  The problem is that although I do like wrapping people up into pretty little categories, I also want to make sure that my pigeonholing is fair and accurate.  Sometimes terms are just too broad and they don’t really break it down in a specific scientific manner.

For a good while now I have used two basic sub-categories of high maintenance.

  1. Emotionally High Maintenance (EHM)
  2. Fiscally High Maintenance (FHM)

These are probably pretty self-explanatory but of course I will take the joy in elaborating a bit on each.  NOTE: for the record, any woman who claims she isn’t high maintenance is not only high maintenance but is also in denial…run Forrest run!

Although FHM is commonly the more obvious, it usually isn’t the most troublesome.  FHM women have become accustom to the good life and either want more or, at the very least, refuse take a sponsorship demotion.  I think it is time we come to grips with the truth that most all of us want the finer things in life.  Who wouldn’t want to forgo the air-miles and aim for mach in a G4? So can we fault them?  Well I just think there should be a more subtle way about it for those with their metal detectors and mining instruments.  Then again they might not be so ready to dig if some of those post-middle age dudes if the Silver Fox Grandpas weren’t flash the C-Notes, Cristal Magnums, the pave encrusted Rolly and the flying B whip.  All-in-all this partnering might be a match made in bling heaven and might just be worth for Ol’ Sugar Pappy to pick up the sponsorship contract.

Unlike its counter part, EHM women are a lot more work but initially much more subtle about it.  By the time you realize that your chick is EHM you’re probably so wrapped up in relationship twine that it will take eons to undo the bird’s nest of mess you just found yourself a thousand leagues deep in.  An EHM woman takes a lot of caring for and nurturing.  One must constantly remind her how wonderful and beautiful she is and how you couldn’t live without her.  They will demand to come first but also second, third, forth, on to infinity. Jealousy, paranoia, phantom girlfriends, insecurity will become everyday topics that will have to be readdressed.  As soon as you see the signs cancel the subscription before you find yourself hold more issues than National Geographic.

As I was talking to a buddy earlier about a lovely lady, it came to me that there had to be yet another sub-category.  How could it be?  I thought they were either emotionally or fiscally.  But the beautiful baby in question was really neither, but the analysis of her behavior was so peculiar that some level of eminent upkeep was evident. 

Yet, it wasn’t the first time I’ve encountered such an odd occurrence. Flashes of examples of past personel prelim dating periods went through my head.  Ah ha a pattern!!! Sure enough, I was able to identify a pattern.  Not a standard pattern but one of random irregularity and aloofness.  It is the ultimate epiphany when one discovers that a lack of a pattern itself is actually the pattern…The consistency of inconsistency. There it was nestled between Alpha Centauri A and B, the revelation of a new form of high maintenance – Logistically High Maintenance!

I was so excited as the words were rolling off my tongue.  “I’ve got it and it fits” I thought to myself.  I see it all the time and hear about it even more.  From all the evidence presented there are women that give the appearance that they are indeed interested and attracted to a prospect companion.  Furthermore they give the impression that they are self-sufficient and are neither of the aforementioned high maintenance types.  However, there is something that just does not fit.  As available and put together as they may seem, there is a svengali quality to them.  For the most part they do and say all the things that would lead a normal sane human to believe “wow we get along, there is good chemistry, and she seems genuinely interested.”  The real problem isn’t when you are finally together but rather the act of getting together and the logistics around it. 

The pre-drama begins on trying to coordinate a day to hook up.  They always act like they want to do something but they are so “busy” they can’t find a free day to fit you in.  It almost seems like they are constantly shopping plans or being LA tentative by not committing to anything just in case a better option comes along.  Granted they might just not be “that into you” but it isn’t just limited to getting them out the door.  Because not only is pinning them down for a day utterly complicated but every other decision seems to be an obstacle. Once a day is established then agreeing time and place is another production.  You do the take-charge man thing and pick the place, make rezzies, and offer to pick them up and drive them just like a traditional old-school date.  I’ve heard them say they want a man who is like that and they appreciate it, but not so much from my experience.  Next thing you know they are calling audibles, vetoing restaurants and asking if their friends can stop by in the middle of your intimate dinner.  Grrrrr, you huff as you feel somewhat emasculated because you sense your virility eroding with everyone of your manish action that is being hijacked or negated.  They say the are “good with anything” yet they end up asking you to zig, and when you do they ask you why you didn’t zag.  Then while you are busy zigging and zagging, they freak out because you should of zogged.

It really shouldn’t be that complicated to get together and we all should make it easy not more difficult.  Look, I get it, they might just not be that into you or want to push you to the friendship tip.  But if that is the case then man-up and say it, but accept that maybe some of us don’t want another female friendship.  Moreover, know that you don’t get the benefits of hanging with us on your terms if you don’t take on some of the responsibilities and liabilities of rolling with us on our terms, not only when it’s convenient for you. 

So now that you have the definition of Logistically High Maintenance, know this – don’t make others a priority when they only make you an option.  Fiscally and Emotionally high maintenance, although complicated and a red flag…there actually might be a shot.  If you can’t get basic logistics down from day one, then bounce…don’t waste your time, she’s probably not that into you.

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