It seems like in this day and age, many things that used to be clear cut no longer fall into black or white.  The lines have been moved, blurred or just flat our erased.  So things that were once obvious are now much more ambiguous, like…gender roles, proper etiquette and how much to tip in most circumstances…just to name a few.


When it comes to social norms and pop culture, Hollyweird has lead the charge in making sure certain roles have taken on all new meanings and it almost seems like anything goes.  Nothing is what it used to be and opposite day has found a shared home with those smart asses in 2nd and 3rd grade.  All this back and forth, black and white, has made many people very uneasy.  What are the proper rules of etiquette, fashion, or social norms?  What’s correct? What is modern day West Coast Faux Pas?  We now have men having babies, same sex marriages, women that are more muscular than most men, and so many things that have become uni-sex that we aren’t really sure what belongs to who.  I’m no judge and jury on what social agendas are “wassup” or “ish-no-think-so” nor will I attempt to be.  But however, I’m going to try and make a gallant effort to lay down some knowledge bombs of metro-culture and what I believe goes.  This one especially hits kinda close to home because I have some buddies that are a little freaked out and seem to think certain things are “gay” (and I don’t mean joyous).  If there were certain things would make you have to relinquish your UberMan-Card and cross over to the fabulous Liberachi world here they are:


Lingo is very important and certain verbiage should be restricted exclusive to my gay friends.


I actually had an experience when a male friend of mine referred to his girlfriend getting a blow-out.  Gentlemen!…when referring to a women getting anything done to her hair you don’t say any of the following: getting high-lights, low-lights, perm, perm-press, hair relaxed, getting extensions, and for God’s sake never say she is getting a blow-out.  You simply say she is getting her hair done or hair did.  No more, no less.


Now when it comes to colors always refer to the original Crayola Crayon colors such as black, white, red, blue, green, etc.  Never refer to any of the following colors: taupe, fuchsia, mauve, salmon…you get the point. As far as fruit colors…orange and peach are the only ones you can refer to. If it’s a tweener (that means in-between) color then combine the manly ones you know. Example: Tope can be described as a “dull rusty brown color.”


Referring to anything as “fabulous” isn’t becoming of a straight man…neither is calling anything as “gorgeous” unless it is in reference to a female.  Ubermales who want to add Man points can say “tight,” “solid,” and “hottie” if referring to a woman.


Now on to activities that are gay and not.  Yes D, this is for you.


Contrary to some peoples belief manicures and pedicures are not gay.  As a mater of fact it could be a very positive attribute for men to have fairly good feet and hands.  After all what woman wants some alligator cheese crust feet or callous eagle talons touching them?  It’s not gay people…it’s being hygienic.  Now if you live in a nail salon…that’s pretty gay.  I also know that I have pushed the envelope on this one by getting my big toes painted black and having a Cross and Star put on them (she couldn’t do the skull and cross bones) but just trying to be fashion forward and start a new man-trend.  Now if I would have gotten red and had them put flowers on their I would hand over my man-card but under these circumstances I keep it.


The gym culture and fitness trend continues to grow, and as we become increasingly active recovery also becomes important.  In my search for a good activity that balances my lifting and outdoor cardio I discovered yoga.  It has been a great discovery!  I get a great workout and feel like it absolutely helps my recovery.  Is it gay?  Absolutely not!  If men were smarter they would make it a point to go.  It is a great workout, helps maintain flexibility, and helps core strength and posture.  Besides, the ratio is totally on our side…it’s at least 4 to 1 odds girls to guys.  Where else do you get those odds and have hot bodied women squatting, stretching, and getting all bendy a foot away from you?  All upside…I really don’t see a down side.


As far as activities that are gay…well you can basically gay out anything.  Rollerblading is one of those.  If you wear the right gear you should be okay.  But if you flounder around in short jean cut-offs and a wife-better 2 sizes to small while you’re blading Venice Beach, you might set off every gaydars from WeHo to Malibu.  If you’re not sure how to gear up for Roller blading, I got a better solution… Get a skateboard and don’t even think about roller-skates. 


Going to bathhouses is a gay activity.


On to fashion and social behavior…


Straight men’s belts must go through belt loops and buckle at the front.  None of this buckling between the first and second belt loop crap.


No gloves unless it’s really friken cold! Especially no single glove (so you ask who does this…I swear some Cheese Sprite at a bar the other night).  It is not feminine to wear workout gloves in the gym but it is certainly not Alpha Male.


Absolutely no skinny Jeans!!  Leave this one for women.


No murses or man-bags…want to carry more shit than your pockets can handle?  Get a back-pack or messenger bag. 


No fanny packs for straight men (I don’t care if it’s Gucci, Louie Vuitton, or any other brand). I have no clue as to why this one is even still in existence.  You can thank the gym/bodybuilding culture for keeping this one around.  The rationale being that most bodybuilders’ legs have gotten so massive that when they wear pants nothing fits in their pockets…I don’t care…find another solution!!!  If you are an anesthesiologist you get a pass on this one but only in hospitals.  Since they are all in scrubs and scrubs only have 2 pockets it makes sense to have something small and accessible to put all their goodies in.


Wearing a shear or cut-off shirt is gay.  The only way you get to wear a cut-off or shimmy shirt is if you play football…American Football. Not some Westside intramural league crap or that other one people refer to as soccer.


When ordering a drink straight men should never order anything pink, bright yellow (exception: vodka or whatever with Red Bull), neon green, purple, or bright blue.  Stick to clear, shades of amber or darker/muted yellows.  Gooey drinks and Tropical drinks are only allowed when…yes…you guessed it…when in The Tropics or maybe day drinking at a pool or beach bar.  Also if the name of the drink sounds gay or fruity…then it is gay and fruity.  No Cosmos, Sex on the Beach, Purple Woo Woo.  Lastly if it comes in a test tube with whip cream or has ice cubes that light up do not touch it.  If I have to explain this further you might as well come out already.


Indoor tanning for men is not gay however getting to George Hamilton burn sausage brown color from the Megatron 1000 Bed as you dry roast your nuts is pretty gay.


Having frosted tips…not gay but certainly not uber-male.


And for my buddy G-Love…I concur that Sunglasses indoors isn’t gay but it certainly is douchebaggery!


Also men should drive men’s cars…No VW Bug or Rabbit, and no Sebring, 


I hope this help clarify some things.  This could be a living document so feel free to add and give insight and we can continue to write the Uber-Metro-Male By-Laws.


BTW…I don’t see how but I hope this doesn’t offend anyone…and if it does.  Sorry and get over it.

Tags: , , , , , ,