I must confess that I have a habit of categorizing and trying to put people into certain stereotypes.  I’d like to think it is my way to better understand individuals and recognize patters and/or habits.  Men often find ways to group women who demonstrate similar negative traits.  One of those scarlet letter labels that will make most men cringe like a visit to the Urologist is when someone drops the term “high maintenance” when referring to a female.  If you are like me and live in LA, that tag gets more play than Scott Baio in the 80’s.  The problem is that although I do like wrapping people up into pretty little categories, I also want to make sure that my pigeonholing is fair and accurate.  Sometimes terms are just too broad and they don’t really break it down in a specific scientific manner.

For a good while now I have used two basic sub-categories of high maintenance.

  1. Emotionally High Maintenance (EHM)
  2. Fiscally High Maintenance (FHM)

These are probably pretty self-explanatory but of course I will take the joy in elaborating a bit on each.  NOTE: for the record, any woman who claims she isn’t high maintenance is not only high maintenance but is also in denial…run Forrest run!

Although FHM is commonly the more obvious, it usually isn’t the most troublesome.  FHM women have become accustom to the good life and either want more or, at the very least, refuse take a sponsorship demotion.  I think it is time we come to grips with the truth that most all of us want the finer things in life.  Who wouldn’t want to forgo the air-miles and aim for mach in a G4? So can we fault them?  Well I just think there should be a more subtle way about it for those with their metal detectors and mining instruments.  Then again they might not be so ready to dig if some of those post-middle age dudes if the Silver Fox Grandpas weren’t flash the C-Notes, Cristal Magnums, the pave encrusted Rolly and the flying B whip.  All-in-all this partnering might be a match made in bling heaven and might just be worth for Ol’ Sugar Pappy to pick up the sponsorship contract.

Unlike its counter part, EHM women are a lot more work but initially much more subtle about it.  By the time you realize that your chick is EHM you’re probably so wrapped up in relationship twine that it will take eons to undo the bird’s nest of mess you just found yourself a thousand leagues deep in.  An EHM woman takes a lot of caring for and nurturing.  One must constantly remind her how wonderful and beautiful she is and how you couldn’t live without her.  They will demand to come first but also second, third, forth, on to infinity. Jealousy, paranoia, phantom girlfriends, insecurity will become everyday topics that will have to be readdressed.  As soon as you see the signs cancel the subscription before you find yourself hold more issues than National Geographic.

As I was talking to a buddy earlier about a lovely lady, it came to me that there had to be yet another sub-category.  How could it be?  I thought they were either emotionally or fiscally.  But the beautiful baby in question was really neither, but the analysis of her behavior was so peculiar that some level of eminent upkeep was evident. 

Yet, it wasn’t the first time I’ve encountered such an odd occurrence. Flashes of examples of past personel prelim dating periods went through my head.  Ah ha a pattern!!! Sure enough, I was able to identify a pattern.  Not a standard pattern but one of random irregularity and aloofness.  It is the ultimate epiphany when one discovers that a lack of a pattern itself is actually the pattern…The consistency of inconsistency. There it was nestled between Alpha Centauri A and B, the revelation of a new form of high maintenance – Logistically High Maintenance!

I was so excited as the words were rolling off my tongue.  “I’ve got it and it fits” I thought to myself.  I see it all the time and hear about it even more.  From all the evidence presented there are women that give the appearance that they are indeed interested and attracted to a prospect companion.  Furthermore they give the impression that they are self-sufficient and are neither of the aforementioned high maintenance types.  However, there is something that just does not fit.  As available and put together as they may seem, there is a svengali quality to them.  For the most part they do and say all the things that would lead a normal sane human to believe “wow we get along, there is good chemistry, and she seems genuinely interested.”  The real problem isn’t when you are finally together but rather the act of getting together and the logistics around it. 

The pre-drama begins on trying to coordinate a day to hook up.  They always act like they want to do something but they are so “busy” they can’t find a free day to fit you in.  It almost seems like they are constantly shopping plans or being LA tentative by not committing to anything just in case a better option comes along.  Granted they might just not be “that into you” but it isn’t just limited to getting them out the door.  Because not only is pinning them down for a day utterly complicated but every other decision seems to be an obstacle. Once a day is established then agreeing time and place is another production.  You do the take-charge man thing and pick the place, make rezzies, and offer to pick them up and drive them just like a traditional old-school date.  I’ve heard them say they want a man who is like that and they appreciate it, but not so much from my experience.  Next thing you know they are calling audibles, vetoing restaurants and asking if their friends can stop by in the middle of your intimate dinner.  Grrrrr, you huff as you feel somewhat emasculated because you sense your virility eroding with everyone of your manish action that is being hijacked or negated.  They say the are “good with anything” yet they end up asking you to zig, and when you do they ask you why you didn’t zag.  Then while you are busy zigging and zagging, they freak out because you should of zogged.

It really shouldn’t be that complicated to get together and we all should make it easy not more difficult.  Look, I get it, they might just not be that into you or want to push you to the friendship tip.  But if that is the case then man-up and say it, but accept that maybe some of us don’t want another female friendship.  Moreover, know that you don’t get the benefits of hanging with us on your terms if you don’t take on some of the responsibilities and liabilities of rolling with us on our terms, not only when it’s convenient for you. 

So now that you have the definition of Logistically High Maintenance, know this – don’t make others a priority when they only make you an option.  Fiscally and Emotionally high maintenance, although complicated and a red flag…there actually might be a shot.  If you can’t get basic logistics down from day one, then bounce…don’t waste your time, she’s probably not that into you.