frumpy1

Come on girl...you're better than this.

Look, I’ve made a women or twenty cringe in the past when I’ve thrown on shoes and belt that didn’t match or when I sport my shades with bling  on the rims.  Like every man who’s ever had a girlfriend, I’ve geared-up to roll out the door and my girl at that time say something to the effect of, “Is that what you are wearing out?”  Immediately a smart ass response such as “no babe, it’s my post-shower/pre-going out get-up” crosses my mind.  But because I speak Female, I know what she really means is this:

For the love of God, change-please! You would look so much better if…

I know that you ladies only do this because you are trying to help and want us to look our best.  I’d like to give props to the ladies and acknowledge that in fashion and style they can lay an old school Mike Tyson beat down on us men.  Yet, whatever inherent stylista veto power women have over us, I’m going to have to pull rank and flip the script on one particular bit.  Remember all those times you ladies have asked us how you look?  Here is an honest, no-holds-barred answer for you…

I don’t care how “in style” they might be but the frumpy, billowing, shower curtain, draw-sting boob trap dress (see right) has to GO.  I see it more and more every day and it seems to be spreading faster than the swine flu.  Why it flurished and what viral strain was it borne from I haven’t a clue.  I may be out-of-line to speak for my all my fellow bros out there, but through my prospective randomized non-scientific survey at various social gatherings, the majority of men with working vision concur.  These dress are not figure flattering, nor body conscious. 

Now, I’m not saying that all women have to rush out and throw on a body sock or mini-skirt; in fact, I don’t really like a  woman that looks like she is about to take Candi’s spot on the main stage.  But the strapless potato sac dress should be retired.

 Do you want to know what wearing something like this actually says to us?

  1. I have one in the oven and want to wear something other than maternity clothes
  2. I’m carrying a couple of extra pounds and I’m trying to see if a loose fitting gown will hide it

There are a couple of exceptions where maybe I can see a dress like this being worn.  Any woman who has the curves of Anna Nichole Smith (in her hay day) and looks like she might be smuggling 4 melons in the right strategic places could possibly get a pass.  It would pretty much have to be one hell of a rocking body with some voluptuous curves.  Too skinny or ripped, and this look simply does not work.  The other way I see me telling a girl, “Baby, you can wear that whenever you want!” is if I had the inside scoop that she was going commando with it.  Yeah…going full-vent will surly make it interesting and maybe distract from how uninspiring the outter packaging might be. 

frumpy4

A little better...but still no good.

Now we are talking
Now we are talking

Now I do apologize if I might sound a little sexist in this one but it isn’t my intention. I’m also not picking on the overweight.  I have actually been there myself; pushing the envelope and my waste-line a few times in my life.  I know how difficult it could be and would never knock on anyone who has struggled or is struggling with the lbs.  However, even the the plus size women of the world can find the right fit and dress that is flattering and an asset instead of a liability.  Just ask any fashion guru and they will certainly tell you that a stoutly women in a baggy dress makes her look larger not better.  Conversely, Queen Latifah is the perfect example of how it is done right, she is a whole lot of woman but yet every time I see what she is wearing it seems to work perfectly for her and it isn’t frumpy nor trashy but just right. 

If you have to sport the pillowy-fluffy-baggy-shower-curtain dress because it’s comfy… then your best bet is to wear them around the house and double ’em up as PJs.  Otherwise save the soggy laundry bag for the home and gear up in something that does a body good when you hit the town.  I think you get the picture and at the risk of having to forfeit my man card I’m going to quit while I’m ahead.