Sometimes I can’t believe all the stupid shit I admit to doing, but since I am in the Lenten spirit of confession and shvitzing it out, I figured I’d go ahead and purge. Recently, I observed a guy in his 40’s—whom I had just met and was sitting less than an open-face sandwich away from—incessantly touching a completely random, unknown girl, unsolicitedly, at a club. And not just the casual arm-graze as you negotiate your way through the crowd or when reaching for your cocktail between the pickets of women perched at the bar. No, this guy was lightly pinching her on the leg and tapping her with his feet.

 

I thought to myself “WTF? THAT SHIT NEVER WORKS!” How do I know? I’d like to think that it is because I’m highly enlightened… but the fact is, it’s because I’ve been trained…or more like condtioned.

 

Lesson: Anyone who’s ever taken a 101 Psychology course has learned about Pavlov’s dogs. To wit, at chow time when daddy Pav would ring his bell (Conditioned Stimuli) food would follow (Unconditioned Stimuli). The dogs would salivate when presented with food (Unconditioned Response), but, after time, the sound of the bell alone would elicit dogs drooling for chow (Conditioned Response). The genius of this is that all animals—homo sapiens included—can be conditioned to act/react to different stimuli. If we are rewarded for a certain behavior, then we’ll find ourselves soon repeating said behavior. If no reward is present, then the behavior does not become conditioned to repeat.

 

So with Pavlov’s dogs running through my mind, I continued to uncomfortably watch Creepy Suave lightly pinch this girl’s leg and tap-tap-tap her with his feet. Just to make sure I wasn’t missing something, I asked him if he knew the girl or her girlfriend. He said no, but assured me that this is the triple lindy of pick-up moves. I was getting annoyed and finally commanded, “Hommie, don’t do that! They are going to think that it’s me, and THAT does not work!” His response was, “Yes it does, I’ve had a lot of success with it.”

 

Is he from Narnia? Because I thought I understood him say he was from Miami. Could it be that all that I had once thought was wrong? Did this guy have crazy, avant-guard game and I just didn’t get it?? This required an immediate, randomized, prospective, multi-center study. 

 

I popped to my feet and in the most unthreatening manner possible, I kindly interrupted and asked the ladies if I could get their insight on something. They actually seemed particularly intrigued by what possible query could follow this unorthodox club approach. “I have but one question,” I told them. “Under any circumstance, do you like, or find it okay, to be unsolicitedly touched by an unknown man at a bar or club?”

 

“Like your obnoxious friend has been doing? We’ve tried to nicely ignore him and move away but he hasn’t gotten the clue.”  

 

“He is not my friend!” could have not come out of my mouth fast enough. (Not that I wanted to be a jerk, but I don’t particularly like being grouped with neophytes.) I then asked if a graze or any variation thereof would be acceptable — and they unanimously agreed that, unless it is unavoidable due to space limitations, or unless he’s trying to be gentlemanly in a situation (say, for example, a fire), then NO. To finish my first official “center” of my mulit-center study, my last question was, “Can you think of any situation where a woman would like that from any man?” The conclusion was that no normal women would accept that and no normal men would approach via that manner.

 

So why on earth was the dumbass sitting on the couch beside me STILL attempting such douchbaggery, even as they were saying how it doesn’t work?! Because men, unlike dogs, can take the most random, isolated incident and blow it up so big in their minds that THEY CONDITION THEMSELVES. How many times do you think that guy has pulled this move? And how many times do you think it’s worked?? Any dog in his right mind would stop doing it!!

 

Although I might not always know what does work, I most certainly know what DOES NOT WORK.

 

The following are a few things that I know do not work…and, if they do, I would be very concerned. If you score from any of the following, don’t start bragging to your friends, because chances are you might have just hooked a tranny or contracted the bubonic STD.

 

  • Unsolicited touching – Already stated but bears repeating. That is…do not pinch, graze, rub or tap any woman unsolicitedly. The only places this is acceptable is at a strip joint with a dollar bill in hand (note: they don’t like quarters) or if you are groovin and grinding on the dance floor, but the second you stop dancing, you resume “normal” behavior.

 

  • The Stare Down – 10 continuous seconds at the most and no more than 3 looks in a 15 minute period. Any longer or more frequent becomes creepy (no matter who you are). And if you think they haven’t noticed you gawking at them — you’re wrong. Women can feel it when you have a catatonic-missile-lock on them; not only freaking them out, but also assuring that they will avoid your direction until you leave.

 

  • Any Sexual opening line – either the size of you components or what you would like to do to her body-wonderland has to be batting way under 100. Save these for when you are at the Hedonism Swingers Retreat.

 

  • The “You don’t know what you are missing” line. I really can’t believe this one is even out there, but I’ve heard it used a few times after somebody gets the stiff-arm or brush-off and is ego-bruised.  They cannot believe someone just turned them down, so what do they do? They tell the rejecter, “You don’t know what you are missing.” Really?? Do they think the rejector will suddenly ponder, “Wait, maybe I really DON’T know what I’m missing…”

 

Per my anecdotal evidence, the aforementioned methods do not work or have an extremely high (like 99%) failure rate. 

 

Next up are things that should not work but I guess do; although they are slightly more successful than the junk above. Quick caveat: if these have lured you before or you have utilized them as ammo in your repertoire – please Facebook defriend me now!

 

  • Overused, Premeditated, Velveta Pick-up Lines – Pick-up lines should only be used for entertainment purposes on a night when there is nothing better to do but spew cheesy hooks. The only good line is a spontaneous, genuine, unique one. Here is a list of all-time bad lines:�
    • Come here often?
    • You look bored/mad
    • You look like my ex – 
    • Or worse…you look like my future girlfriend

 

  • Name dropping or talking about your Malibu house and Bentley – I understand this technique has a high success rate in Beverly Hills, South Beach, and Dallas (just to name a few) but, for the most part, it isn’t a strong move. If this works for you, just don’t complain when 10 years later you get divorced-raped for the yacht and the summer crib in La Jolla. If it works ON you… then don’t complain when, 10 years later, hubby has bounced to a younger, more fit model who isn’t as close to OD’ing on Botox, Restinlin and Silicone. Guys: leave the Ferrari hat at home or at the dealership… Michael Schumacher doesn’t even rock the red horse lid. Ladies: leave the shovel at home and put the needle down…we actually like it when you smile and your face moves.

 

  • The Blind “let me buy you a drink” – I would think for the most part, unless there is a little rapport established first, just sending over a drink or offering to buy a drink for someone who you’ve barely muttered a full sentence fragment to doesn’t have a high success rate. Sure, she’ll graciously accept and pound down the Chocolate Martini; but then she’ll likely converse just long enough so it doesn’t seem like all she wanted was the drink. As soon as the opening to bounce appears, she’ll move on as she thanks you for her Martini.

 

Whew!!! They say confession is good for the soul and I feel awesome! I can’t believe I admit to having tried such shenanigans but I now know from anecdotal experience and my clinical research that these things don’t bear fruit. You know, I don’t mind putting myself out there. I figure the less I hide things, the less people will want to probe and prod into my stuff, the smaller the bull’s-eye, and less gossip circulates. The more you hide about yourself, the more there is to hide… and when it all comes down…watch out, tiger!