Archive for June, 2009

I know what I’m fishing for

When it comes to dating or settling down I often get accused of being too picky; and if you’re over 30, have never been married and are still single this has probably happened to you as well. Too often I’ve had to explain as to why I have yet to be tied down or what happened to the last girl (and half the time it’s not me ending things…I get dumped too).  There seems to be a fairly consistant reaction that when I say I do not have a girlfriend, the person I am telling’s inner voice begins an assesment as if they are trying to figure out what is wrong with me.  Does he live some secret life? Maybe he is flat out loco or isn’t ready to settle down.  It is as if being single is some sort of death sentence or negative condition.  The irony of it all is that most of those so concerned about my bachelordom seem to be in less than happy relationships. 

Trust me, I have no qualms with being single…however, it isn’t my end goal by any means.  However, I’d much rather be single the rest of my life than concede a relationship that isn’t healthy, fitting, and fulfilling. Now this isn’t intended to be a self-defense editorial on my state-of-dating so I’ll keep it general and pepper it with plenty of analogies…so here I go again breaking down for you like Grisham does fiction.


Exhibit A

With every ex that has come and gone the picture of who I am, and what I want and don’t want becomes ever clearer.  First off, I do fancy myself a catch and I have the T-shirt to prove it (see exhibit A)!!! It’s not being arrogant but it is true that we are all uniquely different so is it a far stretch to say that each individuals uniqueness makes it harder to find a compatible match? Being with “The One” should be easy and drama-free, if not at least drama-light, especially during the initial courting stages. Yet, finding that “One” isn’t necessarily so; many factors and variables play into it. It’s also not about wanting to find the perfect person or Ms. Flawless so she can be Mrs. Jessica Flawless-Alonso (damn…that sounds pretty good!!! For those that don’t know I have thing for Jessica Biel).  It is about finding that perfect person for each of us, that we can grow with and compliment us. I’ve actually had an ex or two who were able to see my idiosyncrasies and shortcomings as charming and entertaining, while I saw their imperfections much the same way. There were other reasons for it not working out but this important factor was present, therefore proving that it does exist. We should be with people who “fit” us as we do them. Someone made a great analogy the other day and said that finding a mate was like picking out a race horse, none are perfect but you have to find the one you can live with and that has the attributes that you want. A little oversimplified, but it works to an extent…add in that ineffable X-factor, chemistry, connection or wow, and BOOM we have ourselves a winner!!! Regardless of a person’s negatives, when things click they are hardly noticeable but when that chemistry/connection is missing it seems like the way they breath can drive one to drink.

One gripe I tend to have about certain relationships and couples are those individuals who morph into a strange being when they are with someone else. Now I understand that most of us can be fairly different in a relationship as opposed to when it’s single season but I adamantly disagree, or should I say, I strenuously object to those whose personalities seem compromised in certain relationships. I, for one, will never alter my personality for someone…it’s my greatest gift and most prized possession! We should all be ourselves, not put on a long running act because most can only keep this going for so long before the façade crumbles or resentment sets in. Much the same about my first point – it should be easy. There are those who enable you to be you and maybe even become a true catalyst for a greater you, while others can hinder you and keep you stagnant and apathetic. I’m choosing the first type.

In the whole mad dating/single life world there is one motive that irks me more than people who wear blue-tooth headsets at a restaurant…it’s people who say they can’t wait to find someone that makes them happy. I don’t mean to get too Freudian, Wayne Dyerish or Dr. Big Phil but this kind of talk should be stricken from our vocabulary. I know that it’s probably not meant in a true literal sense but there are plenty of people that are depressed alone and always need to be in a relationship to be happy. However, those who were miserable before will probably become miserable soon into the relationship and will be miserable after. If you are not happy with who you are then nothing is going to make you happy long-term. They are all band-aids on a larger problem…the new pet, car, watch, job or city might bring you a stint of happiness (maybe it’s just the excitement of something new…the shine always wears off) but there is one thing that you will be stuck with afterwards that you’ll never be able to get rid of…YOU! So learn to love yourself and be secure…your partner will love and respect you more for it. Remember that the worst scents on someone are insecurity and desperation.

Finally, for all those individuals that are in a relationship and can presently relate to one of the aforementioned circumstances, I quote Andy Dufresne “get busy living or get busy dying.” We spend too much time trying to make a circle fit into a square and wasting not just our time, but those that we are involved with – they also deserve to have their time spared. Time is our most precious commodity…we can’t get it back, make it up and it’s worth more than any precious metal or any stock. Once someone is in a less than favorable situation, most become apathetic.  We then tend to base our decisions on a basic pain versus fear balance. When our pain outweighs our fear we finally make the tough decisions. Unfortunately, it’s all relative because it depends on what one’s pain threshold is in relation to their level of fear. So be brave and end the pain…The One is out there! Me personally, I just haven’t gotten to know her yet but the search continues and I sure plan on enjoying the voyage.

Tags: , , , ,

1 Comment


I’m glad that people seem to be reading my stuff and posting their comments.  I want everyone to know that I do welcome any and all comments and criticisms.  As long as the comments are not SPAM, aren’t vulgar and have some point they will be approved.  However, if you are planning on putting me on blast, I think that I should at least know who it’s from.  Slamming me and calling me out on something when it comes from “anonymous” isn’t really courageous or mature, especially when the comment is fairly baseless and inaccurate.

For those who don’t know me or don’t know me very well…I am an extremely introspective individual.  My second favorite past-time is analyzing others – only analyzing myself has it beat…go ahead call me egocentric.  I am just following the teachings of the original Jedi Master Socrates when he said “know thyself.”  I’m very well aware of my issues and I don’t deny them…ask my therapist 🙂

So please feel free to constructively criticize and give me shit.  I promise you there is no one who is harder on me than ME.  If you want to call me out don’t *69 me and if you want to throw stones make sure you don’t live in a glass house.  Those who aren’t living in a glass houses wouldn’t have to be anonymous.  Too embarrassed to post a name with your critique?  Then go ahead and email me directly.  We can keep it between us.  Not as ballsy but still respectable. That is the true anonymous!

Tags: , , , ,


She’s Coming.

It’s been almost two weeks and I’m franticly picking up my place and putting things where they should go. I grab all the unsorted unanswered mail and I stack it on the desk of my work armoire and close the doors to hide the mess. I inspect everything to make sure there is nothing that might cause me any embarrassment. Who am I preparing for? I wish I could say some carnivorous hottie but no, it’s my cleaning lady, and a hottie she is not. However, she is an angel with a heart of gold who leaves my place spotless. I always look forward to the day she comes…she shows up after I leave in the morning and when I come home in the afternoon my place is clean, sparkling and in order…in relative order that is. I often struggle with having others clean my place. Is it worth it for me to waste valuable work time or lose moments of these beautiful California days for me to dust, vacuum and scrub toilettes? It isn’t being elitist or aristocratic but it is probably a wise investment to outsource such services. Although, I’m fairly clean and organized it’s anyways nice to have someone who does the mundane manual tasks that we all probably dread and despise.

So as I’m on the phone with a friend they ask “What the hell are you doing? You’re like huffing and puffing and I can’t tell what you’re saying with all the background noise.” “I’m cleaning up. I have the cleaning lady coming tomorrow!” I tell them that as if it makes perfect sense to clean before the cleaning lady comes. Then all of a sudden I have a flashback to my childhood and things my folks would say that I thought were ridiculous. Back in those days I would think to myself “I’ll never say pish like that!” I recall it now, mom yelling “Teamwork! Teamwork! Rosario is coming tomorrow and we need this place clean!” (I’m not being racialist that was her name). Immediately, my mom would start getting any visible papers out of the way and clear all surface tops, I would make sure that any incriminating evidence in my room was well hidden or stowed, Loni would grab the Windex and paper towels because that is just what she did, and Eric…Eric…I’m actually not quite sure what Eric did? Oh yeah, Eric disappeared because that is what Eric did, but only after stuffing all his mess underneath his bed. And as for Papa Alonso – He would find some task in the garage or maybe just page himself and say he had an emergency at the hospital.

Funny thing is that these days I understand where my mom was coming from. It only make sense now to give access and remove any impediments so that Juliana could do her job effectively and efficiently without my stuff getting in the way (not being racialist that’s really her name…and racialist is a word by the way). By pre-tidying up I also want to make sure that I don’t embarrass myself with anything, well, embarrassing. Yet as I’m preparing for my cleaning maven’s arrival, I internally scoff at the poltergeist that coincides with her biweekly appearance. And I’m not just picking on my cleaning lady; from the intel I’ve gathered this seems to be a common occurrence with others.

Much like other anomalies, at first they might seem interesting or entertaining, but in time they have a cumulative effect of annoyance. Many probably have their own unique experiences; I’m going to share what my paranormal phenomenon is about.

Since most of my things are organized in the manner that I’m accustom to, which I have acquired over years, I would only think that they should be in that same order upon my return. However, during this bi-weekly ritual certain things completely change positions and locations. For the most part, it wouldn’t be a big deal if it would make sense, but these alterations continuously baffle me. For starters, I have all my bath towels in the closet adjacent to the bathroom…it seems like an obvious choice to me. Yet, every time I arrive home they have found their way to the closet on the other side of my place. Something eerily similar happens with the trash can in the kitchen. I strategically place it slightly to the left of the refrigerator where it doesn’t really get in the way of any cabinets or the freezer door and sure enough, week in and week out it completely shifts to a spot that blocks one of the entrances to the kitchen; as if my kitchen isn’t tight enough as is. The one that truly perplexes me is the kitchen sink one. My sink has two basins: One with a disposal and another with standard drain. The standard basin has a stainless steal drain with a perfectly mating metal stop, while the drain for the other disposal basin is a rubber drain with a matching rubber stop. It makes complete sense and I would think it’s blatantly obvious to anyone over the age of 5 but every time I come home they are switched. The drain stop for the sink with garbage disposal gets mysteriously swapped with the one from the non-disposal one. I don’t get it…it’s simple geometry and material matching.

The poltergeist also affects many of the electronics in my place. For example, my entertainment surround sound system has an off/stand-by switch that must be depressed to the stand-by position in order to be able to turn it on and off with the remote control. There really is no need to touch the button on the unit and I doubt she watches any TV while she’s in my crib but yet there seems to be some powerful attraction to turning it off (I’m not even sure how she sees it). Next, I have an iPod docking station in the bedroom. I often like to boom some Jay-Z while getting ready. It’s a standard iPod docking station with the flat male connection that we have all become so familiar with which inserts flawlessly into the bottom of our iPods. The only time I undock it is to upload new songs, so otherwise it rests undisturbed on the docking station, or so it would seem, because other than me USBing it to feed it more Ne-Yo, T.I. or Coldplay (no Chris Brown anymore) it goes unmolested. However, this powerful force that seems to interfere with my electronics seems to hate that the iPod is so nicely mated with its male counterpart. As if she was offended she rips my vessel of music from its happy resting place and places it behind the male row of golden prongs. Why? I cannot venture to guess. I thought maybe to dust but there is plenty of access to feather dust without tearing them apart and even if they needed to temporarily part to properly dust there, it can’t be that difficult to figure out how to reconnect them.

One other trait in these “happenings” is the pure disappearance of certain materials and the altered state of others. Namely, I’m talking about my laundry. She does the laundry on these days, and although it is a blessing this produces more amazing occurrences. I buy Cheer Laundry detergent (refuse to buy tide for obvious reasons), and these days most of the detergent containers are ultra concentrated. So these days it says “64 loads” on the large bottle. Therefore you would think that should last a very long time. I mean I don’t soil tons of gear and it is simple math. She does about 3 loads of laundry when she comes and I do another one on her off week. That’s roughly 2 loads a week or 8 loads a month. 64 loads per bottle divided by 8 loads per month is 8 months worth of detergent. Yet, it seems like she goes through a bottle a month. The Clorox is another one…this disappears even faster. Now when it comes to house cleaning, I understand that Clorox is the bread and butter of any Latin woman but once again, it disappears so much faster than what is humanly possible. The bleach conundrum is probably a very telling one because I have noticed that my white athletic socks are all starting to become quitters and there is nothing more annoying than a no-show that’s lost its will. It also seems that she doesn’t differentiate between good whites and bad whites (wow…that sounds racialist). Now I’m sure most of you know what a good white versus a bad white but for the non-metro males out there I’ll go ahead and elaborate. Bad whites are those that we can use bleach on such as: wife-beaters, underwear, socks, and most gym clothes, while good whites are the more delicate whites such as any James Perse waffle knits, white jeans, and dress or polo type shirts. Once you start using bleach on these, the nice tight cuffs and collars tend to weaken then just give up and quit. But there has to be a reason that my laundry goods get used up so quickly. Maybe she skims my supplies then rebottles it and sells it in East LA as Juliana’s own. It’s just another piece of the total mystery.

The list goes on but I don’t want to pile on my Juliana. And I’m not trying to pick on her because she does clean house better than the MIT gang at the blackjack tables. Some things, like the cool trick of putting the creases back in my T-shirts as if they were brand new and the fact that my sheets have never been so soft (probably explains why my fabric softener sheets disappear faster than silver change does from my car) are well worth it. I know many of you are probably thinking “why don’t you tell her how I want things.” Well, I have many times and it’s not a language thing…yo hablo español también. And getting rid of her wouldn’t be an option because the next one would bring a whole new array of mad paranormal skills that I would have to get accustom to. The thing is that I would get it if this were a girlfriend, fiancé, wife or even roommate. I would be open to learning new ways to organize and maybe where things might work better. But when you are paying someone it would only make sense to keep things like they were. Yet for the time being, I’m going to refrain from calling an exorcist or a medium and just learn to cohabitate with my bi-weekly phenomenon.

Tags: ,


Logistical is the new High Maintenance.

I must confess that I have a habit of categorizing and trying to put people into certain stereotypes.  I’d like to think it is my way to better understand individuals and recognize patters and/or habits.  Men often find ways to group women who demonstrate similar negative traits.  One of those scarlet letter labels that will make most men cringe like a visit to the Urologist is when someone drops the term “high maintenance” when referring to a female.  If you are like me and live in LA, that tag gets more play than Scott Baio in the 80’s.  The problem is that although I do like wrapping people up into pretty little categories, I also want to make sure that my pigeonholing is fair and accurate.  Sometimes terms are just too broad and they don’t really break it down in a specific scientific manner.

For a good while now I have used two basic sub-categories of high maintenance.

  1. Emotionally High Maintenance (EHM)
  2. Fiscally High Maintenance (FHM)

These are probably pretty self-explanatory but of course I will take the joy in elaborating a bit on each.  NOTE: for the record, any woman who claims she isn’t high maintenance is not only high maintenance but is also in denial…run Forrest run!

Although FHM is commonly the more obvious, it usually isn’t the most troublesome.  FHM women have become accustom to the good life and either want more or, at the very least, refuse take a sponsorship demotion.  I think it is time we come to grips with the truth that most all of us want the finer things in life.  Who wouldn’t want to forgo the air-miles and aim for mach in a G4? So can we fault them?  Well I just think there should be a more subtle way about it for those with their metal detectors and mining instruments.  Then again they might not be so ready to dig if some of those post-middle age dudes if the Silver Fox Grandpas weren’t flash the C-Notes, Cristal Magnums, the pave encrusted Rolly and the flying B whip.  All-in-all this partnering might be a match made in bling heaven and might just be worth for Ol’ Sugar Pappy to pick up the sponsorship contract.

Unlike its counter part, EHM women are a lot more work but initially much more subtle about it.  By the time you realize that your chick is EHM you’re probably so wrapped up in relationship twine that it will take eons to undo the bird’s nest of mess you just found yourself a thousand leagues deep in.  An EHM woman takes a lot of caring for and nurturing.  One must constantly remind her how wonderful and beautiful she is and how you couldn’t live without her.  They will demand to come first but also second, third, forth, on to infinity. Jealousy, paranoia, phantom girlfriends, insecurity will become everyday topics that will have to be readdressed.  As soon as you see the signs cancel the subscription before you find yourself hold more issues than National Geographic.

As I was talking to a buddy earlier about a lovely lady, it came to me that there had to be yet another sub-category.  How could it be?  I thought they were either emotionally or fiscally.  But the beautiful baby in question was really neither, but the analysis of her behavior was so peculiar that some level of eminent upkeep was evident. 

Yet, it wasn’t the first time I’ve encountered such an odd occurrence. Flashes of examples of past personel prelim dating periods went through my head.  Ah ha a pattern!!! Sure enough, I was able to identify a pattern.  Not a standard pattern but one of random irregularity and aloofness.  It is the ultimate epiphany when one discovers that a lack of a pattern itself is actually the pattern…The consistency of inconsistency. There it was nestled between Alpha Centauri A and B, the revelation of a new form of high maintenance – Logistically High Maintenance!

I was so excited as the words were rolling off my tongue.  “I’ve got it and it fits” I thought to myself.  I see it all the time and hear about it even more.  From all the evidence presented there are women that give the appearance that they are indeed interested and attracted to a prospect companion.  Furthermore they give the impression that they are self-sufficient and are neither of the aforementioned high maintenance types.  However, there is something that just does not fit.  As available and put together as they may seem, there is a svengali quality to them.  For the most part they do and say all the things that would lead a normal sane human to believe “wow we get along, there is good chemistry, and she seems genuinely interested.”  The real problem isn’t when you are finally together but rather the act of getting together and the logistics around it. 

The pre-drama begins on trying to coordinate a day to hook up.  They always act like they want to do something but they are so “busy” they can’t find a free day to fit you in.  It almost seems like they are constantly shopping plans or being LA tentative by not committing to anything just in case a better option comes along.  Granted they might just not be “that into you” but it isn’t just limited to getting them out the door.  Because not only is pinning them down for a day utterly complicated but every other decision seems to be an obstacle. Once a day is established then agreeing time and place is another production.  You do the take-charge man thing and pick the place, make rezzies, and offer to pick them up and drive them just like a traditional old-school date.  I’ve heard them say they want a man who is like that and they appreciate it, but not so much from my experience.  Next thing you know they are calling audibles, vetoing restaurants and asking if their friends can stop by in the middle of your intimate dinner.  Grrrrr, you huff as you feel somewhat emasculated because you sense your virility eroding with everyone of your manish action that is being hijacked or negated.  They say the are “good with anything” yet they end up asking you to zig, and when you do they ask you why you didn’t zag.  Then while you are busy zigging and zagging, they freak out because you should of zogged.

It really shouldn’t be that complicated to get together and we all should make it easy not more difficult.  Look, I get it, they might just not be that into you or want to push you to the friendship tip.  But if that is the case then man-up and say it, but accept that maybe some of us don’t want another female friendship.  Moreover, know that you don’t get the benefits of hanging with us on your terms if you don’t take on some of the responsibilities and liabilities of rolling with us on our terms, not only when it’s convenient for you. 

So now that you have the definition of Logistically High Maintenance, know this – don’t make others a priority when they only make you an option.  Fiscally and Emotionally high maintenance, although complicated and a red flag…there actually might be a shot.  If you can’t get basic logistics down from day one, then bounce…don’t waste your time, she’s probably not that into you.

Tags: , , ,